Chance

The dark quiet of the streets surrounds me, though I barely notice. All I can focus on is her. She is sweet, and tastes like vanilla and sugar. The memory of what I left sleeping in bed spills through me. My thoughts race as I think of her. I am heading home now and I will see her again in a few days, when the desire is too strong to stay away. Her skin and scent fill my senses. I float along the streets in a delicious dream. The image of her close to me, soft and warm, haunts my body.  My thoughts wander over our time together when I first notice it. A little too close, my distraction has let him feel confident and gain distance on me. I focus, reluctantly leaving the thought of her to fade for the moment. I can hear his breath now and the scuffling of his feet behind me. The smell of the city hits me now, the stench of the hot night air. Saddened that I have lost the sweet smell and it is replaced by the vileness that follows. The city crashes in all around be with the putrid smell of trash and animals along the street. The exhausts of the vehicles, as they pass, soil the air.  I pause at a storefront to get a glimpse of what is following me.  He is large, but clumsy.  Others look away from him as he passes. No one wants to catch his eye. He is a nasty one. His smell lingers in the air. I am annoyed now. How dare he spoil this night? It is harder to resist going to her once the memory has faded and the taste has left my lips. He is lucky, I guess. I am sated form my visit with her so I have no interest in him. While I could take him, all that would remain would be his scent and sickening taste.  I move along the street, hearing his footsteps behind me, quickening slightly. No one is out at this time of night. I hurry my step, to ensure he follows and turn quickly down a dark alley.  Perfect. The lights are dim here, just enough to see him and his face when he comes for me.  I proceed to the spot where the alley is blocked by a fence. I pull on the fence which is the signal for him to run to me.  He reaches and pulls me around. His breath is thick and his body reeks of lust.  He holds me against the fence by my throat.  He knows that doing this will shorten the time he has before my breath is gone, but it keeps me far enough away to do any harm from kicks or punches. He fumbles with his clothes, but I can see that he wears an elastic waistband to make it easier. He has done this before.  I do my best to struggle and strain against his grasp, which gets him to hold tighter. He has left my hands free, but his arms are long and for the moment I can’t reach him, so I flail futilely. He enjoys the struggle; I can see him now, excited by the fight.  My head drops down, and he can’t see my face. My body goes limp and he lightens his grip. He is afraid that he has been too forceful and lost the fight before he has had his pleasure.  He leans in to check for my breath. What he doesn’t realize is my breath was never there. I look up at him and he sees it now, the smile on my lips. The smell of lust fades to fear.  He tries to pull away, but it is too late now. I reach up and twist before he can stagger backwards. He falls to the ground as I walk away. My thoughts are already turning back to my sweet, luscious plaything. My mood is tainted from this encounter, and I realize it is time to start looking for her replacement. She asked me to stay tonight. She knows I will not, but it means that our time together is coming to an end.  It always goes this way. They get attached and I have to leave.  This one is difficult though. Her youth and warmth are hard to leave.  Maybe if I can do this right I can come back to her in a few years. Probably not, she will have moved on and I will no longer interest her. She has been good to me, one of the best in a long while.  It won’t be long before the haze will start lifting and it won’t be easy to hide who I am.  My mood is sour now, as I know that tomorrow I will begin the hunt for someone new. 

Fallout

Normally they don't call me in this early. Seems the forest ranger found some kids all ripped up. It will be officially tagged as a bear attack but, as I work my way up the canyon towards less inhabited area, by the sounds of it this is much worse. The warm coffee pours down my throat as I navigate the twisting road. The sun shines over the tree tops nearly blinding me as it peaks over the edge. Squinting with my tired eyes, the access road should be coming soon. This had better be worth it; I was just getting to sleep when the call came in.  Navigating around the next turn the sun finds a break in the tree line and shoots me a blinding greeting. As I recover I realize in my rear-view is the turn I needed to take. DAMN! Finding a place to pull over and turn around, I make my way to the access road I slowly pull onto the dirt. NO TRESPASSING. What the hell were these kids doing up this direction anyway. Why don’t they listen, it’s like in horror stories when they go looking for the scary noise. Signs are usually up for a reason. If you’re lucky you will just get shot by some crazy hermit. It feels like forever passes as I slowly make my way up the dirt road. Not well kept, not traveled much, except today. This poor little access road hasn't seen much use until today. Finally the group of cars comes into view. A state officer waves me to park behind the last car. I get out and grab my things as he walks towards me. He points to a trail. Looks freshly made, likely from all the foot traffic this morning. He has the look on his face that says even speaking a few words will disintegrate the little control over his breakfast he has left. I take off down the direction indicated, soon hearing the voices of all those already at the scene. But before I see them, I can smell it. I smell the blood mixed in with the smell of the spring dampness of the forest. When I finally come into view of the others, their faces seem apologetic. Is it for getting me up so early? No, I see why they look sorry. It is a mess. I am not even sure how many bodies are here. I get the run down. Appears these kids were out for a little fun. A group of Seniors looking for a good time, hoping to find someplace quiet to drink and smoke without getting caught.  If they only knew that getting caught by parents or the city cops was much less dangerous than what they wandered into. Ranger says there is an abandon cabin a mile or so up the road. The place has been abandoned for years according to the records. Not likely. But this wasn't the typical scene for something of that nature. Something more akin to an animal did this. Many won't put together that the moon was full the night before. Which is good, it won't do them any good to know anyhow. I look through the remains, definitely not a bear, but that is what the papers will say. Some poor bear will be hunted and taken down to justify this. It doesn’t add up. The inhabitant of the cabin would have been much cleaner, maybe not even killed them. We hadn't had one of these attacks in some time. Not against people. Usually a ranger will come across a bear or large elk torn apart like this. Usually I get pictures since the locations are rather remote or the bodies are degraded by the time they are found. I get called in to verify, but why these kids? Wrong place, wrong time? It is early in the season, maybe it was caught off guard by them being here.  Then I see it. The inhabitant of the abandon cabin wasn't so careful. Then it falls into place. These kids, stumble too close to its home, it takes advantage of the almost door step delivery service these kids provide. But something else is lurking close, and interrupts its plans. When it flees, the other comes to the smell and finishes them off.  Officially I confirm the bear story, rambling on about encroaching on their space, forcing them to attack, respecting nature. They will put out a warning against bears in the area and hopefully not find one to pin the blame on. I head home. Time for sleep, but not before I type up my unofficial report to send off. They don’t like it when I sleep before reporting suspicious activity. I feel some unofficial overtime coming down the chain, better get my camping gear ready. They will want to know more about both of the attackers if they bother to stay around. The papers will publish enough information for the beast to see. It will move on and not use the same area again for a good long while. The abandon cabin will appear that way as well for a while too. They will want to make sure on both accounts. My report is sent off, and now for some sleep before my orders come in. 

Waves

It’s almost dark. The sun starts its final decent over the horizon as I sit waiting for the waves to start. I know the waves will come soon.  As I sit, I smell the grass beneath my feet, freshly trampled by my clumsy walk. The damp log I sit on is rotting away as I wait. It’s coming. I hear the movement of the insects through the crevasses of the weak wood, tearing it apart and feeding on its lifeless corpse. The first wave of pain comes, slow at first. I can now hear the river a mile north with the spring snow run-off bursting at its banks. The crisp fresh scent of the forest passing along as the water flows downstream. Another wave comes, stronger, deeper. I scream as the pain peeks and the wave passes. I can hear the road 5 miles south now, with the stench of exhaust filling the forest. I can smell the death and decay of the forest near the road. The wave of pain rushes over me again, gaining in strength with each passing. Near a small rabbit senses my presence and I feel its fear as it hops away furiously. Again, the pain washes over me, my screams changing to groans and I can no longer hold myself up on the frail log. On the ground now, I feel the wet grass and earth against my skin. I hear the trample of a fawn deep in the forest. Again the pain peaks and my body twist. As each wave washes over me, I hear and sense everything around me, the world coming into focus. They come quickly now, with little reprieve between. As each wave it intensifies, my body echoes with painful aftershocks from the previous assault. No time between now, each wave crashes into the next.  It will be over soon. For a moment I smell something unnatural, moving through the forest. Quiet, barely there. It smells of death. The groans become a growl as the final waves pass over me, slowly.  The pain is retreating, my body slowly coming back from the depths of the waves. Death moves towards the smell of fire and the sounds of voices. West. They won't hear it coming. It moves with such stealth, but the vile stench stings my senses. Arching my body as the last bit of pain passes through me, I bring my form upright. I smell blood now, fresh. I am running west before I realize it. Towards death and the smell of blood I move quickly. I am not quiet, rushing through the forest. With branches breaking and my breath loud, I release the last bit of tension from the waves into a loud vocalization.  It hears me and flees. I am not after it; the smell of blood is strong now.  My consciousness’s fades as the trees pass and the smell grows stronger. The beast is in control now, I will lose all else until morning. All that is left is the smell and the hunger. 

Lost....

Who or what am I? I go about my life as if nothing has changed, as if I have not changed.

I have changed.....

I am not who or what I was before.....

Why do I continue to dance the same steps when the music has changed?

I am desperately trying to find my way in my new skin, but I feel out of place. The motions seem forced and fake. I feel like a puppet, practicing some ideal of what I should be. This group or that group.. all practicing some lie or routine. In the depths of their existence they know there is more. The urge to escape to be more than this mask, this facade of formality.

I feel it inside of me, the fight to get out, to be free. I can hear it in the breath of the herd, their purpose, my purpose the way things are meant to be. As each day passes I feel more separated from the shell, the corpse of the games we play. I feel drawn to a greater truth, an understanding, a deeper realization of what we are.

An eventful evening

Saturday's events as usual proved interesting. It seems that we are able to confirm that there are others masqurading around as us. Seems that they were trying to start a fight between us an another group. I my self have been questioned regarding being someplace other than I was. It seems that I may have also be a part of a very friendly encounter between a new member and the host of our party. In retrospect the host was not himself, and it would have been nice to find out more about what happened to him.

The weekend also marks the passing of my "birth"-day.. and brings me to think about the past few years. I am not even sure who I was before. I have become something so completly different that I can barely recognize myself. Reminds me something of a dream..

Speaking of dreams, I need to decide what I am going to do about the gift....

The Gift

I am walking in the dark. The lamp light has a feint strange glow. There is a couple together in the dark. They are dressed from another time. They are kissing as he approaches them. In the darkness, I see what he does to them. The knife he uses. I see it. I can taste what he tastes, for me. I see the knife, the gift. 

This is my dream. Each night the images become more vivid. I have found that the time period resembles that of the 1860's, and the blade is local. I know where it is housed. I am not sure what I will do with this knowledge. It feels like the blade is a gift and I wonder if I should retrieve it.

Haunted

My sleep is filled with images that I can barely remember, the hunger... the desire.. the need. I wake covered in sweat but do not feel additional loss from it. As a walk through my day my dreams haunt me. They tease me with a memory and then quickly fade away. I struggle to remember more than just feint images and a feeling.. a nudge of some sort. Then it is gone.

I have never been one to loose control of my emotions, but lately I have felt the control slipping. My anger is quick to rise and other times I feel extreme euphoria. I feel a certain anxiety sweep over me as I loose my focus.

After speaking with my guardian, it seems my father may be around. I am unsure how I feel about this. I have not ever known him, yet I fear him. He is a monster and gave me this condition. He forced me into a life of fear and horrible choices. He is no father.. if it is true.. I will sever any ties  that remain.

None of this helps that there is someone out there watching us. I have done what I know to prevent his contact, but he is still out there. Jim has talked to him. I hope that he has not given away any information, or brought us more danger.