Lost....

Who or what am I? I go about my life as if nothing has changed, as if I have not changed.

I have changed.....

I am not who or what I was before.....

Why do I continue to dance the same steps when the music has changed?

I am desperately trying to find my way in my new skin, but I feel out of place. The motions seem forced and fake. I feel like a puppet, practicing some ideal of what I should be. This group or that group.. all practicing some lie or routine. In the depths of their existence they know there is more. The urge to escape to be more than this mask, this facade of formality.

I feel it inside of me, the fight to get out, to be free. I can hear it in the breath of the herd, their purpose, my purpose the way things are meant to be. As each day passes I feel more separated from the shell, the corpse of the games we play. I feel drawn to a greater truth, an understanding, a deeper realization of what we are.

An eventful evening

Saturday's events as usual proved interesting. It seems that we are able to confirm that there are others masqurading around as us. Seems that they were trying to start a fight between us an another group. I my self have been questioned regarding being someplace other than I was. It seems that I may have also be a part of a very friendly encounter between a new member and the host of our party. In retrospect the host was not himself, and it would have been nice to find out more about what happened to him.

The weekend also marks the passing of my "birth"-day.. and brings me to think about the past few years. I am not even sure who I was before. I have become something so completly different that I can barely recognize myself. Reminds me something of a dream..

Speaking of dreams, I need to decide what I am going to do about the gift....

The Gift

I am walking in the dark. The lamp light has a feint strange glow. There is a couple together in the dark. They are dressed from another time. They are kissing as he approaches them. In the darkness, I see what he does to them. The knife he uses. I see it. I can taste what he tastes, for me. I see the knife, the gift. 

This is my dream. Each night the images become more vivid. I have found that the time period resembles that of the 1860's, and the blade is local. I know where it is housed. I am not sure what I will do with this knowledge. It feels like the blade is a gift and I wonder if I should retrieve it.

Haunted

My sleep is filled with images that I can barely remember, the hunger... the desire.. the need. I wake covered in sweat but do not feel additional loss from it. As a walk through my day my dreams haunt me. They tease me with a memory and then quickly fade away. I struggle to remember more than just feint images and a feeling.. a nudge of some sort. Then it is gone.

I have never been one to loose control of my emotions, but lately I have felt the control slipping. My anger is quick to rise and other times I feel extreme euphoria. I feel a certain anxiety sweep over me as I loose my focus.

After speaking with my guardian, it seems my father may be around. I am unsure how I feel about this. I have not ever known him, yet I fear him. He is a monster and gave me this condition. He forced me into a life of fear and horrible choices. He is no father.. if it is true.. I will sever any ties  that remain.

None of this helps that there is someone out there watching us. I have done what I know to prevent his contact, but he is still out there. Jim has talked to him. I hope that he has not given away any information, or brought us more danger.

Unrest

I have been feeling a little uneasy lately. I will become anxious for no reason periodically. Seems this is affecting my pets as well. I can feel the tension in Jorge, and he seems to feel being watched.  I have also learned that something is following Jim. This adds concern to my feeling and what I understand from Jorge. I don't want anything to happen to Jorge, and will do what I can to protect him.

Jim on the other hand has brought some undue attention to himself. Due to his affiliations, this is not a good thing. Our leader has asked that he be watch more carefully, and brought back into protection by his father and I. His father takes responsibility for most of his actions, and I am willing to let him do so. Jim can be a handful, but he is capable of making his own decisions. Being nearly as new as him in the society, it feels better that his father remind him what our society will tolerate and what it will not. I will do what I can to assist him, but he has a will of his own and should be allowed to use it. Even if it brings his slumber.

In other business, members of our society were gathered for a peaceful eventing when social insults caused one member to loose his temper. This resulted in the scandal and social status stripping of both members. It is not acceptable to provoke someones temper, or to lose control of it in most situation. Practice in maintaining composure is vital for our society to coexist with the rest of the world. One of the members is our Sheriff, and has appeared much closer to nature than when I first met him. I believe the stress of the job as affected him adversely. This saddens my heart, as we twist into the nature of our internal beast, we lose what it was that connected us to the world. It makes it harder for us to sustain our society.

One exploded over the Pigeon nest.....

When I think I have seen enough bizarre happenings.......

I was keeping an eye out for "trouble" when a friendly pigeon approached the car. I provided it some cereal to eat, and it came close enough for me to see that it had a note attached to it. I provided it some more to eat, wondering where it had come from. As I removed the note from the pigeon the apparent "self destruct" mechanism was triggered. I sure as hell hope that it wasn't infected with the plague that is still going around. I get the feeling it will take a long time to get the interior completely clean.

On another note, I am rather glad I missed out on some interesting happenings lately. Apparently the police found a warehouse literally covered in blood... but no bodies.  Seems rather over the top in my opinion. Some of the things that are done are really too dangerous to be used. When it is important for our lively hood to keep a low profile you find the things others do very unnecessary.  The condition we face is not likely to be understood by the masses. We have enough trouble with those that want us dead... if we are lucky. Studied and tortured if we are not.

 It is somewhat comforting to know that I have those around that will help keep me safe. Frank has been helpful as well. He tells me areas I need to avoid. It is useful having him around. I do miss having Jim around to take care of day time business.  I may need to look at getting an assistant.. but that has its own issues.